Which Bear is Most Condescending? A Pan-Duh!

For years, I have had a daily desk calendar, the kind where you tear off a page every day to reveal something new. The calendars are always different…and entertaining. One year I had a Bushisms calendar that consisted of the 43rd president’s unconventional statements, phrases, pronunciations, malapropisms, and semantic or linguistic errors in public speaking (and no, I did not copy that verbatim from Wikipedia! I changed a word or two, thank you very much). A few examples:

  • “There’s an old saying in Tennessee—I know it’s in Texas, probably in Tennessee—that says, ‘Fool me once, shame on…shame on you. Fool me—you can’t get fooled again.'”
  • “Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?”
  • “Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.”

At the time, I believed George W. was hands down the worst leader this country had ever seen. In the light of the past three years, I know better and actually miss the guy. But that’s neither here nor there.

Side note: if something is ‘neither here nor there,’ where the hell is it…?!

Another year I had a Word of the Day calendar. This was a fun way to expand my vocabulary by introducing me to words like “jerkwater” (remote and unimportant; trivial) and “interrobang” (a punctuation mark designed for use especially at the end of an exclamatory rhetorical question). If you’re wondering, WTF is an interrobang?! – that’s exactly right. It’s the combination question mark/exclamation point.

interrobang

This year, Tara got me a Dad Joke calendar. Which…if you know me at all…is perfect. A dad joke is defined as a generally inoffensive pun, stereotypically told by fathers, either with sincere humorous intent or to provoke a negative reaction to its overly-simplistic humor.

This calendar is extremely hit-or-miss. Some days are really funny:

  • What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast? A synonym roll.
  • What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
  • How do you know the moon is going broke? It’s down to its last quarter.
  • I used to be a bartender for the mob. It was whiskey business.
  • I hate negative numbers and I will stop at nothing to avoid them.

Others are groan-worthy.

  • Why did no one take the bus to school? It wouldn’t fit through the door.
  • To what dog do other dogs tell their problems? A complaint bernard.
  • “Dad, you put your shoes on the wrong feet!” “But they’re the only feet I have.”

Good or bad, I have to admit, I always look forward to tearing off a new page every morning. It’s the first thing I do when I get to work.

dad_jokes

And yes, we’re still going to work. Which feels almost quaint when so many of my friends and family—most of them, actually—are on lockdown and working from home (if they haven’t been temporarily laid off). It almost makes me want to, I don’t know…apologize?! (Nice interrobang, huh?).

What can I say. Things are different here. There is caution (and various precautions) but no panic. My boss gave us the option to work from home if we are uncomfortable being here, but we’re a small office (13 total when everybody is here, which is rare). I am fine coming in everyday, though I fully expect we’ll postpone the two onsite events we have planned the beginning of April.

We are currently beginning work on the summer issue of our parenting magazine, which always entails me going out and interviewing people. I am giving everybody the option of doing phone interviews instead. It’ll be interesting to see how many decide to go this route.

By the way, if we do end up quarantined, don’t let me forget to grab my Dad Joke calendar off my desk, okay?

30 Comments on “Which Bear is Most Condescending? A Pan-Duh!

  1. Those jokes…omg. They hurt my brain. 🙂

    My dad has one of those calendars from Switzerland. A little different. A quote from some famous person (not a celebrity) is translated in four languages. I think. I’ll check next time I see my parents. He loves that calendar, reads each day over breakfast. 😉

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      • C’est bon! Maybe I can find one here, we are bilingual with French after all. Remind me, I’ll check it out for you. You know, after we’re allowed to go shopping again. 😛

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Bad jokes liven the spirit. I’m sure of it. And you’ve so many bad jokes here that I’m about as happy as a person can be on a Wednesday afternoon during a pandemic. Thanks.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. “For years, I have had a daily desk calendar, the kind where you tear off a page every day to reveal something new. ”

    OMG, me too, Mark!!!! Now everything is either calendared on my computer or smart phone. I miss an actual paper calendar.

    Hey, the Dad Joke calendar that Tara got you sounds stellar! “I hate negative numbers and I will stop at nothing to avoid them.” LOL Loved that one!!!

    Great to hear that you and Tara are still working. Many of the businesses here in Philly (outside of food stores and places like Target) are pretty much closed until the end of the month. Thank god I stocked up on WINE! I’m off work as well, but honestly, I’m enjoying it.

    Have a grrrrrrrreat rest of your week, my friend!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Is it wrong that one of the first things I did was stock up on wine? If so, I don’t want to be right, because: priorities!

      Hang in there, my friend. Hopefully you’ll have an opportunity to head out of town and visit your favorite city in the not-too-distant future.

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  4. Wow! Our governor just announced that anyone going into work will have their temperature taken. It’s a strange new world. My daughter has been home as the library shut down Friday. My husband, who works for a Fortune 500 will start working at home on Monday. I’m dreading it! Lol.

    My favorite calendar a day was Stuff White People Like. It was hilarious and I still have one of the days hung up in our home office.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Ha! I’ve never had that calendar, but I’m pretty sure I’ve seen it (or at least memes to that effect).

      Taking your temperature before being allowed to go to work? Haven’t heard that one before. Crazy stuff. Good luck surviving your hubby, lol.

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  5. It’s good to know part of the world is still semi-normal and functioning in basic ways the rest of us were used to. I miss those days…

    Liked by 1 person

  6. It looks like many of my jokes on the podcast fall into the category of “dad jokes,” even though I’m not a man, much less a dad.

    By the way, isn’t it here, there, and yonder, or more quaintly: hither, thither, and yon? So if it’s neither here nor there, it’s yon! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I can’t say that I LOLed or even smirked at those jokes, but I did still enjoy reading them. Thanks for sharing. Even if you do happen to forget to take the calendar home, I’m sure you’d make a point of going back for it, so no worries. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Really? You didn’t chuckle? Even a little? Did you even SEE the “synonym roll”?? My god woman, you have got a heart of stone!!!

      Orrrr an entirely different sense of humor…

      Like

  8. Cute! A good dad joke is cringeworthy and yet, gives me a snortle.
    I also lol’ed a lot at good ol GW but I also found him sincere. He’d make a great guest at a bbq. I bet dogs like him. Not my favorite POTUS, but in hindsight … well, you know.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Pingback: Joining the WFH Club – Swinged Cat

  10. Tis true, some of those are pretty good. But the real merit of a good Dad joke is dropping the bomb in context, leaving the victim audience so stunned by your wit they’re speechless. Unfortunately that doesn’t necessarily preclude them from throwing something at you. Maybe even a calendar…

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m either reading the wrong dad jokes or need to improve my delivery, because I have never once left an audience speechless. At least not in a good way!

      Like

  11. Calendars. Kind of embarrassing. Don’t have a smartphone.
    When I go to the doctor I bring the calendar from the kitchen wall over the microwave with me so I can write down the next appointment and not make it for a day already taken for this or that. By the way, how do your determine if it is a this or a that ?

    Liked by 1 person

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