Ranch, Dressing

I’ll be the first to admit I sometimes come up with crazy ideas. “Harebrained schemes,” as the old-timers might say. These have included:

  • Creating a hamburger-hot dog hybrid called a burgerdog. Not ground beef rolled into the shape of a hot dog; these already exist. I want to take things a step further and stuff a hot dog inside a hamburger, then grill it to meaty perfection.
  • Developing a food-themed fashion line color-coordinated to meals (e.g., a red outfit for spaghetti, green for pesto, etc.). This would eliminate embarrassing stains and dry-cleaning bills. The tagline? “Dressed for ingest.”
  • Marrying Amy Adams so we could “fill our cozy little love nest with red-haired babies.” My reasoning was, besides being single and lonely at the time, we were both artists: she could love my books, I could love her movies, and together, we could love each other.
  • Packaging up the bottom inch of Nestle Drumstick® sundae cones—you know, the best part, with that cone-encrusted chunk of chocolate—and marketing them as “Drumstick Bites,” a delicious and portable dessert.
  • Combining Connecticut, Rhode Island, and New Hampshire into one state because they’re nothing more than bite-sized nuggets that happen to neighbor one another.
  • Opening a Chinese restaurant with fortune cookies designed to stroke the ego (“you are one sexy beast”), egg-shaped egg rolls, edible takeout containers, sporks instead of chopsticks, and a Man v. Food-inspired “one-ton wonton challenge.”

Looking at that list, it’s kind of amazing that I’m not rich by now (or home-schooling a ginger-haired kid or three). In retrospect, my current obsession seems rather bland in comparison: I want to become a rancher. Never mind the fact that I know nothing about agriculture or livestock or farm equipment and machinery, and let’s overlook my fingers (which are only slightly more calloused than a newborn’s) and my bank account (a few million dollars short of what it would take to buy land and hire people who would actually know what the hell they were doing). The devil’s in the details!

I’m sure I’m romanticizing the whole ranching lifestyle. I don’t really want to give up my cushy writing job for a hardscrabble life on the northern plains where you’re subject to the whims of Mother Nature. Today, I worry about missing a deadline or overlooking a crucial apostrophe. If I were a rancher, my livelihood would be in jeopardy due to a million factors beyond my control, a list that includes drought, hail, locusts, and fluctuating cattle prices. I just like the idea of wide open spaces, being my own boss, and living off the land. To me, it’s the very definition of an honest day’s work. But I know myself too well: the first time I was elbow-deep in a cow’s uterus trying to birth a calf, I’d be longing for modern comforts like caramel macchiatos. So, no worries: ranching is a no-go.

I still think the burgerdog could be a runaway hit, though.

Be afraid, Golden Arches. Be very afraid…

Categories: Food, The Great Outdoors

Tags: , , , , , , ,

43 replies

  1. I’m pretend offended on behalf of the New England states. They all have their own identity–you westerners are just mad you had to learn their names and shape in 4th grade.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Well you don’t know much about boating, either, if I remember correctly, and yet, there’s a boat in your current ownership status.. 😛

    Just sayin’.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Combining Connecticut, Rhode Island, and New Hampshire into one state because they’re nothing more than bite-sized nuggets that happen to neighbor one another. . .Just call it Lisaville because those are the three states I have lived in.

    Unfortunately you forgot that New Hampshire doesn’t border the other two so you’d have to include those Massholes in your bite, too. *grin*

    Liked by 1 person

    • Maybe we can get Massachusetts to join the party, too? I was going to include Delaware, but they’re just too far south. You’d have to get New Jersey and New York to merge too, and I doubt anyone is clamoring to take on Jersey.


  4. If you run with the Nestle Drumstick bites, I’m 100% in!! 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Dressed to Ingest is pure gold. Please remember us little people when you become world famous, buy a 100 foot yacht and are cruising the Aegean …..

    Liked by 1 person

  6. P.S. I’m glad you didn’t lump Maine in with those New England nugget states. If nothing else, we have personality.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. “Dress for ingest” nearly made me do a spit take. That whole idea sounds rather Ron Swanson inspired.
    I’ve also dreamed of farming. When we got chickens, a friend warned me they were a gateway livestock. I wanted goats next. Hubs said no. I also love growing my own food in a garden, but most of our plants don’t thrive. So, accepting my limitations, especially because I too love caramel macchiatos.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Sounds like you want to be a gentlemen farmer. Those were the days when you could buy low, sell high, take care of some horses, charge some rent for the horses and move along. I hope those days are still here. That was my father’s gig moving from the city to the Catskills so many decades ago.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. By the way, he ended up down South in a shotgun shack on the Gulf of Mexico. Not a bad transformation. He was ahead of his time.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. I enjoy the fortune in fortune cookies and think you could do them justice. Plus I’m on Team Spork, so have at it.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. All your ideas have merit. As a Minnesotan, I have only one problem with combining those Eastern mini-states: the flag. The stars on the US flag are finally in such a pleasing, symmetrical array. Let’s not mess with that.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Mark, I love your idea about the fortune cookies to stroke the ego. LOL!!!

    And hey, look, you never know what might happen in the future for you. You might very well become a rancher. And you’re in the perfect location for it too. Perhaps that’s one of the subconscious reasons why you moved there.

    Have a super weekend, my friend!

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Creates a dilemma – mustard or ketchup?

    Liked by 1 person

  14. I have seen on the internet…the all knowing dictator of life…. that putting ketchup on a hot dog is the 3rd sign the rapture is around the corner, or something like that.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Burger dog sounds pretty good. I’d support such a chain if it made its way to the west coast!

    Liked by 1 person

  16. Relying on animals or Mother Nature for an income sounds frightening to me.

    Liked by 1 person

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